


It's better when I'm empty, but I still let you in

by thunderingskies



Series: You bring out the worst in me [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-03-19
Packaged: 2018-10-07 20:30:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10368822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderingskies/pseuds/thunderingskies
Summary: That's the funny thing about being the one who breaks.You don't see it coming.You're so busy trying to repair the small cracks, to stitch the frayed ends back together that you don't feel the very fibers of your being tearing in two.It's an ordinary day when it happens to Tooru.





	

It’s a Sunday morning when Tooru breaks.

There’s no lead-up, no dramatic string of bad events that put his nerves on edge.

He doesn’t realize how close he is to falling, how he’s just barely hanging on by his fingertips. 

But that's the funny thing about being the one who breaks.

You don't see it coming.

You're so busy trying to repair the small cracks, to stitch the frayed ends back together that you don't feel the very fibers of your being tearing in two.

It's an ordinary day when it happens. Tooru goes to work, and for the first time in a while, it’s good. He’s not killing himself with stress - he enjoys his day, and he leaves feeling like he’s done good work.

He doesn't get a warning. 

But something about seeing Hajime, strung out and barely comprehensible just makes him  _ snap _ .

They don't usually see each other on Sundays. Tooru's breaking their routine, stepping outside of the grayed line they're balancing on, and he knows it.

Hajime isn't expecting him.

Tooru isn't expecting rock bottom to feel like this, but it does.

He knocks on Hajime's door and doesn't wait for a response before opening. 

He walks in, and regrets it. 

The apartment's an even bigger disaster than usual. His gut twists uncomfortably. 

How it usually looks when he's expecting Tooru, on their Wednesday meetings - he cleans up for that? Apparently so, judging by the mess that’s there to greet Tooru. Dirty dishes, clothes strewn around, a chair overturned, and the one thing Hajime’s kept hidden from Tooru this entire time-

It’s just sitting on the table in his living room like it belongs there, and Tooru wants to throw up.

“Hajime?” He calls, because he doesn’t see him right away, and he needs to find him  _ now _ .

He hears what might be a response from the bedroom, but it’s muffled.

Tooru knows he shouldn’t walk in, but he goes anyway.

His heart’s somewhere between his throat and his chest cavity when he sees Hajime.

Eyes hazy, expression far-away, Tooru’s never really _ seen _ him high. Coming down, sure. Craving more, all the time. But this? It makes his skin crawl. Hajime’s talking, but his words are unintelligible, mumbled. He tries to make eye contact with Tooru, but he can’t. 

Tooru panics. 

He lifts him up by the shirt, and Hajime tries to stand, but he’s got no coordination and all of his weight falls on Tooru; it scares him how easy it is to hold him up. 

He shoves Hajime in the shower, and turns the water on cold. He doesn’t bother trying to peel off his clothes until the water’s falling down, and Hajime coughs as it hits him like a slap to the face. Tooru wrestles him out of his shirt, and his sweatpants. They’re soaking wet and Hajime resists, but Tooru overpowers him easily. 

Hajime’s gasping for air like a dying man, shaking and trembling as the freezing water hits his skin, waking up his senses. Tooru throws Hajime’s clothes on the bathroom floor, getting water everywhere, but he doesn’t care. He scrubs Hajime’s hair. Presses a cloth in his hand to wash the rest of his body. Tooru can’t bear to look at him any longer. He turns up the temperature of the water and steps out of the shower, now that Hajime is coherent enough to wash himself. 

Tooru’s soaked himself, cold, wet clothes clinging to his skin uncomfortably, but he feels like his body is on fire. He backs out of the bathroom and moves his body on autopilot.

He fishes new clothes out of Hajime’s room that seem clean enough, a set for himself and a set for Hajime. He strips out of his own wet clothes, and into what he’s borrowed from Hajime. It’s an old pair of sweatpants, and a navy sweater. As soon as he puts them on, though, his face drops.

It’s a small thing, really. Tooru isn’t quite sure why he notices it, but-

These clothes don’t smell like Hajime.

In fact… nothing in the apartment does.

Tooru’s grown up with Hajime. He’s slept in his bed dozens of times during sleepovers, stolen his sweaters, borrowed jackets; they’ve shared hugs, and in later years, so much more. He knows Hajime’s scent better than anything else…

And it’s nowhere in this apartment.

All he can smell is the heavy, stale air that makes him feel like he’s drowning. Hajime’s scent is gone. It’s almost as if-

Hajime is gone.

It’s a small thing - a tiny, minute detail, really, but it’s the final straw for Tooru. 

He breaks.

Hajime wanders out a while later, clean and more present, only to find him on the floor, knees to his chest, crying his eyes out. Hajime’s in no place to comfort, but he tries. He puts an arm around Tooru, talks to him quietly, but Tooru can’t hear him over his own cries.

“I  _ can’t _ anymore, Haji-I  _ can’t _ ,” he whispers out, trying to stifle his sobs. “If you leave, if you w-won’t get help, I’m done, Haji. I’m not coming back. You… you’re gonna  _ die _ if you don’t stop,” he chokes on a sob, crying loud and ugly. “I  _ love you _ , I love you so much - please Hajime, I can’t… I can’t…” 

There aren’t words - not ones that Hajime can say and mean. Not ones that Tooru will believe. But he presses closer and kisses him, open and wet, and Tooru cries into each kiss Hajime gives him. He clings to him, tears refusing to stop. He gives in to what he wants. He wants to feel Hajime. He  _ needs _ to.

But there’s no repairing this. 

Tooru doesn’t stop crying until he’s just too exhausted to anymore. He falls asleep on the floor, curled around Hajime. Tooru’s ultimatum hangs heavily in the air.

He wakes up alone. As always.

Tooru leaves the next morning, and he never walks back into that apartment again.

**Author's Note:**

> There _will_ be a happy ending. It's going to take time - a lot of it - but it will come. I promise!


End file.
